Altruism blues

I apologise in advance for the poorly-written, possibly over-dramatic, selfish and angsty entry that follows. Normally I wouldn’t embarrass myself like this, but I’m sitting in a quiet office alongside people I don’t know well enough to talk to about this, and otherwise I will just be sitting staring out of the window and trying not to cry.

Ages ago I wrote that my mate might move away to Singapore after we finished university. I may have mentioned being quite upset about it, and my subsequent rejoicing when he got a place in London and announced he was staying… However, he’s just got a job over there, and is going soon. I apologise for the selfish outburst which is going to follow an obligatory attempt at being altruistic... Objectively, of course it’s a good thing that he’s got a job, that he’s happy, etc. etc. But I am so fucking upset, I don’t know how I’m going to be able to pretend to be cheerful when I see him later on. One of the main reason I’m so upset is not the fact in itself that he’s going; it’s his apparent lack of concern about the fact that this might be the beginning the end of our friendship. Now, I know that sounds dramatic, but I am well versed in his failure to keep in touch even when we’re in the same country and time zone. He grew up over there, and has family and friends there, so I don’t think he’s too bothered about leaving his life over here behind He acts like it’s no big deal, he might come back in a few months… Will he fuck, with a decent paying job and close friends over there already, he’s going for good.

His lack of acknowledgement that his moving is going to have a significant effect on our friendship could be attributable to two things, I think.

- He genuinely isn’t upset about us not seeing or speaking to each other any more
- He is, but won’t talk to me about it

The second one doesn’t initially sound like anything to be too upset about, but he’s my best friend and I thought we were past this stereotypical repressive bullshit? Does this mean that we’re not as close friends as I thought we were? Obviously one of the potential courses of action in response to all this is to talk to him about it, but I’m fed up with it always being me who has to bring up the elephant in the room. He obviously doesn’t want to talk to me about it, and I know from when we were leaving university that I shouldn’t and can’t force him to.

This also means the end of the band. I wrote about not enjoying playing the other day, I can’t remember if I mentioned my friend potentially leaving or not, but it was one of the reasons why, I was just thinking “what’s the point?” I know it’s stupid and I should be appreciating the time we have left together, with regards to just spending time with him as well as the band, but all I can think is “you’re leaving and either you don’t give a shit about me, or you don’t feel close enough to me to tell me you give a shit about me.” I’m supposed to be going over to his tonight, but I don’t want to now. I’m worried about looking like a massive bitch if I can’t pull off appearing to be pleased for him, and hiding how angry I am that he pretends not to/doesn’t care about me; I just want to go home and immerse myself in something that doesn’t make me feeling completely fucking disposable. Maybe I’ll feign illness and go home early or something. I don’t want to see him. It sounds so juvenile, but I genuinely don’t feel like I can talk to him about this, and believe me, I am a big fan of talking through problems. I don’t know what I can do.