I apologise in advance for the poorly-written, possibly over-dramatic, selfish and angsty entry that follows. Normally I wouldn’t embarrass myself like this, but I’m sitting in a quiet office alongside people I don’t know well enough to talk to about this, and otherwise I will just be sitting staring out of the window and trying not to cry.
Ages ago I wrote that my mate might move away to Singapore after we finished university. I may have mentioned being quite upset about it, and my subsequent rejoicing when he got a place in London and announced he was staying… However, he’s just got a job over there, and is going soon. I apologise for the selfish outburst which is going to follow an obligatory attempt at being altruistic... Objectively, of course it’s a good thing that he’s got a job, that he’s happy, etc. etc. But I am so fucking upset, I don’t know how I’m going to be able to pretend to be cheerful when I see him later on. One of the main reason I’m so upset is not the fact in itself that he’s going; it’s his apparent lack of concern about the fact that this might be the beginning the end of our friendship. Now, I know that sounds dramatic, but I am well versed in his failure to keep in touch even when we’re in the same country and time zone. He grew up over there, and has family and friends there, so I don’t think he’s too bothered about leaving his life over here behind He acts like it’s no big deal, he might come back in a few months… Will he fuck, with a decent paying job and close friends over there already, he’s going for good.
His lack of acknowledgement that his moving is going to have a significant effect on our friendship could be attributable to two things, I think.
- He genuinely isn’t upset about us not seeing or speaking to each other any more
- He is, but won’t talk to me about it
The second one doesn’t initially sound like anything to be too upset about, but he’s my best friend and I thought we were past this stereotypical repressive bullshit? Does this mean that we’re not as close friends as I thought we were? Obviously one of the potential courses of action in response to all this is to talk to him about it, but I’m fed up with it always being me who has to bring up the elephant in the room. He obviously doesn’t want to talk to me about it, and I know from when we were leaving university that I shouldn’t and can’t force him to.
This also means the end of the band. I wrote about not enjoying playing the other day, I can’t remember if I mentioned my friend potentially leaving or not, but it was one of the reasons why, I was just thinking “what’s the point?” I know it’s stupid and I should be appreciating the time we have left together, with regards to just spending time with him as well as the band, but all I can think is “you’re leaving and either you don’t give a shit about me, or you don’t feel close enough to me to tell me you give a shit about me.” I’m supposed to be going over to his tonight, but I don’t want to now. I’m worried about looking like a massive bitch if I can’t pull off appearing to be pleased for him, and hiding how angry I am that he pretends not to/doesn’t care about me; I just want to go home and immerse myself in something that doesn’t make me feeling completely fucking disposable. Maybe I’ll feign illness and go home early or something. I don’t want to see him. It sounds so juvenile, but I genuinely don’t feel like I can talk to him about this, and believe me, I am a big fan of talking through problems. I don’t know what I can do.
Thursday, 25 March 2010
Sunday, 21 March 2010
the blues is my business, and business is good.
Hello again.
It's been a while, hasn't it? I don't have much of an idea what I am going to write about yet. Ciaran is asleep upstairs after getting an awful headache earlier this evening, my dad's in Scotland for work, and my mum and sister are asleep. Tomorrow is effectively my weekend, so I'm not feeling like going to bed, but my options are restricted in terms of noise and room availability. I am currently downstairs and have been messing about very quietly on the guitar for a bit. I just worked out 'Limousine' by Brand New and it sounds pretty cool.
Had a jam with the boys yesterday. The 'band' arrangement (I'm reluctant to use the word 'band' due to the irregularity we practice and uncertainty about what we are and who does what) has changed a bit recently, with Chris playing with us now, my guitar skillz aren't really as good as his and so I've been relegated to the piano, which I'm not quite as comfortable with in a band setting. I'm confident in my abilities on my own, but I'm not used to playing in a group; the only blues piano I know is solo pieces which are a world away from blues piano as part of a band. I'm not especially enjoying the piano because I just don't think what I'm playing sounds much good. Paffett is playing harmonica and singing, which is pretty cool, but I'd like to be doing lead vocals more... Not all the time, there are some songs which his voice doesn't suit though, but I can't really say anything because I don't want to hurt his feelings. Anyway, to summarise, I'm not feeling things as much at the moment, I don't know where we're going with things and what the others expect from me. I am seriously thinking about trying to learn bass, because we do need a bassist; four guitarists isn't getting us anywhere. I feel like I would know where I stand in the group a bit more with one particular instrument, if you see what I mean? I know it sounds a bit impulsive.
I have had my eye on this for a while. Potential present to self when I finally get a proper job and a some monies?
The taught part of my course finishes next week, it's so surreal. I still feel like I'm new there. What next? I can just about afford to keep working at the zoo and piano lessons whilst looking for a 'proper' job, I applied for a job at my internship organisation but didn't get it- am applying for another one now though, which would pretty much sort my life right out if I got it. Not getting my hopes up this time though, I was totally crushed last time when I got rejected, cried all day and everything... I had just pictured telling my family and friends, and not having to worry about how I'm going to repay my career development loan come December... Oh well, this next vacancy looks better anyway. Fingers crossed and all that jazz.
Oooooh, Ciaran's woken up so I am going to go. I have other things I should write about soon. I met someone yesterday who I've been talking to online for years and it was seriously sweeeet. Oh balls, my laptop is beeping at me because it has no battery left. OKAY BYE.
It's been a while, hasn't it? I don't have much of an idea what I am going to write about yet. Ciaran is asleep upstairs after getting an awful headache earlier this evening, my dad's in Scotland for work, and my mum and sister are asleep. Tomorrow is effectively my weekend, so I'm not feeling like going to bed, but my options are restricted in terms of noise and room availability. I am currently downstairs and have been messing about very quietly on the guitar for a bit. I just worked out 'Limousine' by Brand New and it sounds pretty cool.
Had a jam with the boys yesterday. The 'band' arrangement (I'm reluctant to use the word 'band' due to the irregularity we practice and uncertainty about what we are and who does what) has changed a bit recently, with Chris playing with us now, my guitar skillz aren't really as good as his and so I've been relegated to the piano, which I'm not quite as comfortable with in a band setting. I'm confident in my abilities on my own, but I'm not used to playing in a group; the only blues piano I know is solo pieces which are a world away from blues piano as part of a band. I'm not especially enjoying the piano because I just don't think what I'm playing sounds much good. Paffett is playing harmonica and singing, which is pretty cool, but I'd like to be doing lead vocals more... Not all the time, there are some songs which his voice doesn't suit though, but I can't really say anything because I don't want to hurt his feelings. Anyway, to summarise, I'm not feeling things as much at the moment, I don't know where we're going with things and what the others expect from me. I am seriously thinking about trying to learn bass, because we do need a bassist; four guitarists isn't getting us anywhere. I feel like I would know where I stand in the group a bit more with one particular instrument, if you see what I mean? I know it sounds a bit impulsive.
I have had my eye on this for a while. Potential present to self when I finally get a proper job and a some monies?
The taught part of my course finishes next week, it's so surreal. I still feel like I'm new there. What next? I can just about afford to keep working at the zoo and piano lessons whilst looking for a 'proper' job, I applied for a job at my internship organisation but didn't get it- am applying for another one now though, which would pretty much sort my life right out if I got it. Not getting my hopes up this time though, I was totally crushed last time when I got rejected, cried all day and everything... I had just pictured telling my family and friends, and not having to worry about how I'm going to repay my career development loan come December... Oh well, this next vacancy looks better anyway. Fingers crossed and all that jazz.
Oooooh, Ciaran's woken up so I am going to go. I have other things I should write about soon. I met someone yesterday who I've been talking to online for years and it was seriously sweeeet. Oh balls, my laptop is beeping at me because it has no battery left. OKAY BYE.
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